Back in the USSR
by sister socrates
Summary: A compilation of cracky goodness, centric around a world where no one can behave like a functional family, and experiments are done on Latvia.
1. His Shrine to Natalia

**A/N: **_this all started with a sleepover with my darling bagel, during which the world's worst AU was concocted. from there, it spawned a story, which has since been mislaid, so you don't get an introduction any more. hoorah.  
all you really have to know is that toris gets pregnant a lot and the basement houses a sweat shop where underprivileged lithuanian children make nike shoes.  
also, i'd like to dedicate this to our IRL soviet cosplay family, who are hilarious and wonderful and fun. _

**Warning: **so um. there's this thing called crack that me and bagel are pretty good at writing. it's OOC, and it's pretty dumb, but we have fun and that's all that matters. please don't take it srsly though ;D

_i don't own hetalia blah blah blah_

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This is the story of Toris and his shrine to Natalia.

He kept it in the back of his closet, hidden behind all his clothes. It was glorious. There were pictures of his beloved, clumps of her hair he had stolen from her hairbrush, and various articles of clothing he had taken from the laundry room, i.e., underwear.

It had all started simply enough, really. Toris had been changing the sheets in Natalia's room one morning. He went to grab her pillow, and a wonderful idea dawned upon him.

_I should smell it,_ he thought.

And smell it he did.

Toris covered his face with the pillow and inhaled deeply. It was intoxicating. So, he did it again. It was like smelling Natalia, but less dangerous! Toris wondered what else he could smell of Natalia's. Her hairbrush? Her toothbrush? The possibilities were endless!

After stealing various trinkets he found in her room, Toris rushed into the bathroom and grabbed her toothbrush. He then began to use it. It tasted like Natalia. Toris just couldn't get over how exhilarating this was.

"Um. What…are you doing?"

Toris spun around, toothbrush still hanging out of his mouth, to see Natalia standing in the doorway, a horrified look plastered on her face.

"Oh. I'm…I'm just…doing m-my…routine t-toothbrush inspection." He smiled and continued to brush his teeth.

"Uh-huh. Yeah. This toothbrush seems to be in fine working order. Great." Toris handed Natalia her toothbrush back. "I'm so glad to see that you have such an efficient toothbrush, Miss Natalia."

She punched him in the face.

"Your disgusting little boy salvia is all over it now." She scowled and looked down at his pockets.

"What do you have in there?"

"Uh…n-nothing," Toris stammered. Crap! He had forgotten all about the underwear he had stuffed in his pants. He had it play this off, coolly.

"It's just my…underwear?"

Natalia grabbed Toris by his belt and yanked him toward her. She shoved a hand into his pocket and pulled out a pair of pink, frilly panties.

"_You_ wear these?" She seethed through clenched teeth.

"Oh, of _course_! They…they don't ride up like boxers do, you know?" Toris tried to smile reassuringly.

Natalia rolled her eyes.

_Fine, _she though to herself, _Two can play at this game._

"Well, Toris, aren't you going to check everyone else's toothbrushes?"

Oh shit. She had him now.

"R-right! Of course! I'll get right on that!" He tried to slide out of the room behind her, but she blocked his path.

"Oh, please let me go with you." Natalia smirked. "I've always wanted to watch an official toothbrush inspector at work."

What could he say? No? If he denied her request, she'd tie him to a metal pole on the roof during a thunderstorm like she had done to Raivis that one time.

And so, the two ventured into Eduard's room. Natalia took Eduard's toothbrush off the counter and handed it to Toris. His face turned green as he shoved the toothbrush into his mouth.

"Oh, so _that's_how you do it," Natalia commented sarcastically as she watched Toris gag.

"What are you two doing?"

They spun to face Eduard. He looked less than amused. Terrified, actually. His eye was even twitching a little.

"Toris is checking to make sure your toothbrush is in working order, Smelly Man." Natalia seemed to be enjoying this a little too much.

"…oh."

Toris spit the toothbrush out and leaned over the sink, ready to throw up. His mouth tasted like Eduard.

"Good God! What do you _eat_, man?"

"…food. Um. I'm just…going to go…walk my dog or something."

"You don't have a dog, Stinky McGee."

"I'll walk my calculator, then. Goodbye."

Natalia snorted and grabbed Toris by the arm.

"Come on, let's go check brother's toothbrush now!"

Toris was not above crying at this point. And, as Natalia pulled him into Ivan's bathroom, tears streamed down his face.

Natalia shoved her brother's toothbrush into Toris' mouth without a word.

Toris was sure that if he didn't die from Ivan's germs, he was going to die from embarrassment.

And, wouldn't you know it, Ivan decided right then to walk into the room.

He looked more terrified than Natalia and Eduard had.

"Why are you brushing your teeth in my bathroom, Toris?"

"Because that's where your toothbrush is, brother!" Natalia squealed in excitement.

Toris thought for sure that Ivan was about to faint. But, he regained his colour after a moment, and slowly began to back out of the room.

"I…see. Well…I'm…I'm just going to pretend I never saw this and…and just go back to my office. Do some paper work. Drink some tea. Yeah…So. You have fun with…that." Ivan exited the room slowly.

Later that night, after Toris had disinfected his mouth by drinking a gallon of bleach, (not the most intelligent idea he had ever had, but death would certainly get the taste out of his mouth) he went into his closet and uncovered his shrine to Natalia.

"Oh, Miss Natalia," he whispered as he placed a pair of her panties beside a used tissue he had found in her room, "I'm so glad that I got to spend time with you today. Even if it did backfire."

Toris smiled to himself. Tomorrow, he would steal her half-eaten piece of toast during breakfast.

The end.

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written by Bodaciousbagel


	2. Nazi Doctors

**A/N: **_Sheer beauty. Don't take offence to this, it's all in good fun, yak yak yak~_

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Once upon a time in this Soviet Union, as all good stories surely begin, there were these two guys. Actually, one of them was a girl. But whatever. Their names were Raivis and Natalia.

Natalia was very much the definition of "sick fuck". She got her kicks conducting grossly painful experiments on Raivis, who now sported a nice variety of scars and other such things. It was all very wrong.

"Raivis~," she singsonged excitedly one morning, barging into his bedroom. There was a large cut across his eyebrow from their last "experiment", which was still bleeding, and an awful lot of bruising around both of his kneecaps. God only knows what sort of strange torture went down to lead to such injuries.

"Oh God," Raivis whined pathetically, awakening instantly. This was the last thing he wanted so early in the morning.

"Do not be like that!" she exclaimed, clapping her hands together. "I have a fun experiment for us today! Do you want to guess what it is?"

"No."

"I will give you a hint~. It involves glass shards and your skin!"

"Oh nooooo…" Raivis whimpered, already feeling the pain she would soon be inflicting on him.

Natalia dragged Raivis from his bed, then, and out into the hallway, where he was forced to watch her break a multitude of mirrors and precious family heirlooms that would soon be embedded in his epidermis.

Ivan was not going to be happy about this. He wouldn't be happy about the heirlooms, that is. Ivan couldn't give two craps about what happened to Raivis.

"Are you ready, Raivis?" Natalia finally asked, after breaking what was apparently a satisfying number of vases and mirrors and picture frames and whatnot. She was armed with a good handful of glass, and a notepad and pencil. After all, what was the use of this research without something to record it with?

"No…"

"Too bad!" She chirped, and with that, began shoving glass into the flesh of his arm.

"Ooouuu Jesus Christ!" Raivis wailed.

"On a scale of one to ten, how much would you say you are hurting?"

"Fifteeeeen!"

Natalia scribbled something on her notepad, before pushing more glass into the Latvian boy's skin. "Fifteen? Oh, I think we can do better than fifteen. We need to get up to twenty-five, at the very least."

Raivis let out a shriek like a little girl as he felt even more sharp objects get pressed into his skin.

"How about now, Raivis?"

"Twenty eight! Oh, God, it hurts so bad…"

Tears were streaming down his face, and Natalia had zero regard for them, instead, taking intense notes on the boy's reaction to the various shards of glass that were being shoved into his body parts violently.

This carried on for quite some time, until Katyusha and Toris both noticed the screams, and rushed up the stairs.

"Natalia!" Katyusha cried out, prying her away from Raivis. "What in the world are you doing?"

"I am experimenting, sister!"

"Well, you aren't any more. Apologize to Raivis."

"No!"

"Apologize!"

"But I am not sorry!"

While they debated, Toris glanced down at the piece of living artwork that the love of his life had created.

"Toris… I am so shiny… like the tin man…"

"So you are," Toris responded, eyeing the glass shards that Natalia had touched. He wanted to have them. They belonged on his shrine to her.

"Toris…" Raivis sobbed. "Please take the shards out of my skin…"

He didn't have to be told twice. "Sure thing, buddy."

After all the glass was removed from his body, Raivis's pain was increased tenfold. Also, he was bleeding a lot, all over Ivan's nice carpet.

"I think I need to go to the hospital…" he choked out through hysterical sobs, but they just gave him a band aid instead, and left him there. Bleeding. All over the carpet.

That was not going to be coming out any time soon.

He passed out there on the floor, and regained consciousness in the exact same spot the next day.

It was raining outside, and Raivis could barely move. He had good intentions of staying in the floor all day and hoping that the pain from the previous day's endeavors would subside by its self. This plan was quickly altered, however, when he saw Natalia coming up the stairs and holding a large metal rod.

"Raivis~!" she cried excitedly. "It is storming outside!"

"Oh boy…" he whispered.

"Do you know what that means?"

"No."

"It means we are going to go play on the roof!"

"Miss Natalia, I can barely move…"

"You are small. I can carry you."

And with that, she threw Raivis over her shoulder, and began the trek up to the roof. It was going pretty good, especially since the small boy was still bleeding a lot, until they were hindered by Eduard.

"Where are you taking Raivis, Miss Natalia?" he asked, observing the sight before him with a rather concerned look on his face.

"We are going to the roof, Sir Stinks A Lot! Would you like to join us?"

"It is raining outside."

"I know."

"Miss Natalia… what are you doing with that metal rod…?"

"Oh, nothing~"

"Miss Katyusha warned you to stop playing Nazi Doctor with Raivis… you remember…"

"Oh, Smelly Man, I remember. We aren't playing Nazi Doctor."

Eduard shot her a look. "Carry on, then."

And so, she continued carrying Raivis up to the roof, where she tied him, upside down, to the metal rod.

"I will come back later and you can tell me how much pain you are in!"

"Miss Natalia—" Raivis tried to protest, but she was already gone.

A few hours later, the storm was still raging strongly, and Natalia still hadn't brought her test subject inside.

"Sister…" Katyusha began uneasily. "Have you seen Raivis?"

"He is on the roof."

"What is he doing on the roof?"

"He is tied to a metal rod."

"He is tied to a metal rod?"

"Da."

Katyusha sighed, rubbing her temples. "Eduaaaard! Get the phone, we need to call an ambulance!"


	3. Sweet Transvestite

**_A/N: _**_rocky horror is my favourite movie. estonia is my favourite character. nothing could be more fantastic. i wrote this gem in my algebra II class, ohdang._

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Once upon a time in the Soviet Union, Eduard was making some pretty risky fashion choices. He had never exactly been a pro at getting dressed (I mean, they _all _often found themselves wearing Weasley sweaters made by Katyusha and Nike shoes from the sweatshop in the basement), but suddenly, it had gotten even more ridiculous. Eduard was starting to dress like a low-class lot lizard, and it was a tad bit cold for that in Moscow.

His family was very concerned. And by concerned, I mean his family laughed at him behind his back when he went out in the evenings.

"Did you see what he was wearing?" Toris whispered, ever-so-amused as Eduard left the house, and they would all sort of chuckle under their breath.

"It looks like he raided Miss Natalia's underwear drawer," Raivis agreed.

"How do you know what my lingerie looks like, boy?"

"I-i do your laundry!"

"Eduard is a strange young man..." Ivan sighed. "And pink certainly is not his colour. Natalia?"

"Yes, brother?"

"You do not actually wear such tacky lingerie, do you?"

"Would you like me to?"

"Sister..." Katyusha warned.

"She _does _wear tacky lingerie, Mister Ivan!" Toris piped up.

Of course he knew. He stole her panties to put on his shrine, after all.

"What are you doing looking at my sister's underclothes, boy?"

And Ivan punched Toris in the mouth, and their moment of bonding was over.

Still, every Friday and Saturday night saw Eduard strutting out of the house and looking like a ho, and when all of Natalia's underwear turned up missing, they decided it was time for an intervention.

They waited up for him one Friday night, sitting in the living room like concerned parents of a troubled teenager until almost three in the morning. Finally, the questionable Estonian showed up in not only what looked to be Natalia's fancy underwear, but full drag queen make-up too.

"Oh... hey you guys..."

"Brother!" Natalia wailed. "Sir Stinks A Lot is wearing my underwear!"

"What is the meaning of this, Eduard?" Ivan bellowed in a manner that would have been super frightening and intense if this was a serious business story. Good thing it isn't.

"Nothing...?" Eduard tried.

"Then why did I find this flyer in your bedroom?" Out of nowhere, he whipped out a crumpled piece of paper reading, _ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW SHADOW CAST AUDITIONS _and waved it in the scared man's face.

"I JUST WANT TO BE FRANK N. FURTER!"

Everyone else gasped. Ivan became even more furious.

"_THERE WILL BE NOTHING GAY IN THIS HOUSE!"_

Crickets sounded. The entire family looked to their father figure like he had four arms or something.

"So you stole all of my good underwear?"

"It's not like I could have used Mama Katyusha's," Eduard mumbled. "There's nothing sensual at all about her granny panties."

Katyusha frowned. No one ever seemed to want to steal her undies. Oh, well. She couldn't let it get to her. "Well, Eduard, I think it's wonderful that you're Frank N. Furter!"

"I don't," Natalia hissed. "You just look uglier, and now you smell like a gay bar-"

"In fact," Katyusha cut her off, ever the supportive mother. "We'd all love to see you perform sometime."

And so, they all went along to the next screening, and were strangely well-behaved. That is, until some total A-hole hit Ivan in the back of the head with a piece of buttered toast, which clearly goes against Rocky etiquette. Never ever bring buttered toast. Seriously.

This unpleasant event caused Ivan to snap, and he began maiming the virgins in the audience. Three were killed. An undisclosed number were hospitalized. Eduard was promptly fired from his dream role as Frank N. Furter.

And he cried.

The end.


	4. Romantic Comedies

**A/N: **_this was written over texts in the middle of the night. your guess as to what it is actually about is as good as mine. really._

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Once upon a time, there were these guys named Raivis and Peter, and they were so uninteresting and unimportant that no one actually ever wrote stories about them unless it involved sex and rape and sadness.

But this story is none of those things. This is a story about the one time that Raivis and Peter accidentally ran into each other at the grocery store.

Raivis had been let out of the house for his yearly exposure to the world, and he really wanted some ham. So, he went to the grocery store. And just as he was about to pick up some ham to examine its freshness, Peter ran into him. Like, literally ran into him. In a romantic comedy kind of way, where Raivis dropped the ham and they both fumbled over it and tried to talk at the same time, and Peter laughed and said You Go First, and Raivis blushed.

Oh, romantic comedies. You know how they can be.

It was awkward, but that's okay, because Food Lion just seems like the kind of place where awkward, romantic things should happen.

"I-i'm so sorry..." Raivis murmured, even though it wasn't really his fault or anything that Peter was a total bafoon. But whatevz.

Peter didn't seem to notice that Raivis was having a mini spaz attack, because he was busy shoving the ham into his pants. What? He was hungry and poor. And that's what pants are for, anyway.

"Why are you putting that ham in your pants?" Raivis asked. "I wanted it."

"Welllllp... I also want it," Peter replied.

Raivis was too hung up in the romantic moment to protest, so he just kind of let the stuffing of ham into the strange boy's pants continue.

"P't'r!" A rather scary, unintelligible voice shouted suddenly. "Th'r' y're. Y'r m'ma's w'rried s'ck 'bout y'."

To say that Raivis was frightened by the voice would be an understatement. And when the voice rounded the corner and turned out to belong to a tall, blonde man wearing nothing but frilly black underwear, he nearly fainted.

The other people in the ham 'n beans aisle didn't really seem to mind, however. Or notice, for that matter.

Oh, did you know that today is national husbands' day in Sweden? Maybe that was why Berwald was wearing something so damn sexy. It was probably a gift from his not-wife.

"Daaaaaaaad!" Peter whined dramatically, the ham still in his pants. "It's so _embarrassing _when you run around the grocery store in your underwear. Could you not? I'm obviously trying to create a hilarious and heartfelt romantic comedy with this guy here who dropped his ham."

Raivis was too distracted by Berwald's lace-covered junk to process what was happening, and started having a flashback to Valentine's Day 1986.

_~*VALENTINE'S DAY 1986*~_

_It was 1986. It was also Valentine's Day. It was Valentine's Day 1986. And a man named Ivan was standing his bedroom trying to stuff himself into a very tiny Speedo. A very tiny, cheetah print Speedo, at that. However, he was having issues. Issues called, "someone's a fatass and can't fit into size small any more"._

_Just then, right at that very exact moment, Raivis, clad in nothing but fuzzy pink sweaters and pants and socks and the likes, walked by. And he saw things in Ivan's bedroom that no one ever needs to see._

_Oh, Valentine's Day 1986._

_THAT IS THE END OF THE FLASHBACK, WELCOME TO THE PRESENT._

"Oh, mother of God!" Raivis wailed. "Someone hold me!"

But Berwald and Peter were involved in an argument that was too stupid and difficult to understand to to type out, so I'm not going to. But no one came to the poor Latvian boy's aid.

He dropped to the floor, pained by the awful memories, and looked like he was having a seizure. Or like he was trying out some sweet new moves right there in the middle of the store. You never know with kids these days.

Then, as if by some miracle, a giant ham god descended from the sky and landed between Peter and Raivis. Peter saw the ham and jumped on top of it, sinking his suddenly Cullen-like fangs into its delicious, hammy flesh.

Soon, all grocery store shoppers were devouring the miracle ham and forgetting about their troubles.

Except for Raivis. He had a seizure and died about two minutes later.

But, amazingly, he was revived! Because Natalia still needed him for her crazy-ass experiments, and it wasn't even Easter, yet. His dying just would not do.

So yeah. He was revived. And he ran out of the grocery store, quite literally, at the speed of light.

The end.


End file.
